Other places to find me

Tuesday, June 7

Letters to the world

So, today I think I am just going to post a few letters to the world. Just a few notes to a few "people" that are getting on my nerves. And I will share them with you for your bemusement. Why? 'Cuz I'm awesome like that. Here goes. Feel free to chime in with your own letter to the world or whatever.

Dear Aunt Flo,
Must my bobbies SERIOUSLY hurt this bad? I mean, really? I did nothing painful to you. I look forward to your visit to know that things are right with my body. I deal with the heaviness you bring me. I let Lorelli say, "That's what happens when you're on your period" to me when I am cranky. But seriously...this sore booby business...I am not a happy camper!!
See you soon,
Sore on the TopSide

Dear Email Powers That Be,
Why do I have emails in my inbox regarding how to acquire Viagra from Canada and hip replacement medicine? I don't look at anything with boy parts on it. Is it because I have been looking at the Frederick's website and motorcycle websites? Does that scream middle aged man that needs to keep it up? And the hip replacements? I am guessing that is because I have been talking about physical therapy? It's FOR MY ARM people. SHEESH!
Sincerely,
Perplexed box

Dear Wifey's Ex-GF,
Please do not engage me in conversation when our paths cross randomly in town. We do not need to be friends. I know that we chat it up at softball games, but those are forced social interactions that only occur so that we do not look rude. But really, yesterday morning was not necessary. I didn't even have my makeup on. Or my hair done. I don't like talking to myself like that. Yet less others. Yet less exes of my loverly wife.
Just saying,
Mortified on a Monday Morning

Dear Right Arm,
Enough is enough. I am pretty much over this pain you have dealt me. While the massage at physical therapy is nice, you know what would be better? Not. Needing. Physical. Therapy. That would be awesome. Your pain came from out of the blue and I don't understand it. But you are seriously hampering my positive outlook on life right now.
Thanks,
Pained parts

Dear Five Year Old,
You do not have Mean Moms. You have moms that make you behave and follow the rules and live up to expectations. Mean moms would not take you on vacations to the beach. Mean moms would not paint you an awesome room. Mean moms would not buy you awesome new clothes. Or let you partake in Saturday morning sports at the Y. You do, however, have moms that will not be talked ugly to. You do have moms that will not sit back and let you rule the house.
Love,
Not-So Mean Moms

Dear MIL,
I love all the clothes that you have so graciously given me. SERIOUSLY!! They rock my socks. And I am sooo grateful that you let us live here with you. It allows us to do so many things that we wouldn't be able to do otherwise. I TRULY enjoy our family vacations and spending money. What I do NOT enjoy is constantly having to clean the kitchen. I do not enjoy listening to you coddle the doggers in this house like they are children. And I really don't enjoy you butting in when Jennifer and I are already taking care of a situation with aforementioned five year old.
Ever so graciously yours,
DIL

Dear 24 hour days,
Do you think you could talk to your friends and maybe come up with a couple more hours for me? I just can not possibly get everything done in the limited time that you give me. I can't cook, clean, read, sleep, enjoy, eat, pee, shower, love, cuddle, entertain, work, chat, and relax in the few short hours that you provide me. Granted, if you gave me more hours, I would probably use them for sleeping right now....but still...Look into that for me, please?
Patiently awaiting your response,
Stretched Thin

6 comments:

Comeca Jones said...

Ohhh seems like you have had a rough week sorry hope that you get some time to yourself to have a glass of wine and clear your thoughts.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

This was hilarious, you mean mom you! The whole Viagra thing? ME TOO! Hey...that gives me an idea...

iamthatmommy said...

What is it with kids thinking their moms are mean these days? I think N and L have been chatting on the phone after bedtime!

Jess said...

Your letters made me smile! I think I may have to do a post like this.
Jess

Jess said...

Your letters made me smile! I think I may have to do a post like this.
Jess

Maria said...

Ha! These are awesome!